Posted by: twistsoffeet | January 29, 2011


I can see the look on the faces of friends and family as I type this.

They look at the subject and snicker, thinking it must be a joke.

But it isn’t a joke– even though the thought of my fat ass in spandex is either hilarious or frightening– or maybe frighteningly hilarious.

I have always understood why bicyclists wear spandex shorts with padding that makes them walk like they have a stick up their ass.  It’s just that I never thought I would be one to wear it.

I never thought you would see me in a bright polyester or other man-made fabric jersey that is covered with logos of some bicycle or bicycle parts or apparel manufacturing company all over it.  I see slightly-less-rotund-than-me males and females of all ages wearing it.

It is as if they think they are sponsored by this company that has plastered their logos all over their clothes– or “kit,” as I have learned hardcore cyclists call it.

Who do they think they are fooling?

Not me.

Maybe they feel it gives them “status” or maybe wearing it will give them the super bicycling powers of the company advertised on their kit.

Tell you what… even though I never say never, I still say I will become a virgin again before you see me wearing one of those logo emblazoned kits. I do, however, think that I will wear the spandex shorts with the pad protecting my tender parts and I will wear the bright colored form fitting high tech fabric jerseys.

What can I say?  I don’t want to chafe the inside of my thighs or bruise my “out portal.” and I certainly do not want to break my tail bone.  Been there, done that, and it was not pleasant.

As for the jersey… well, with the way I have seen drivers maneuver their cars down the highways and byways of the Redneck Riviera (where I am currently passing my time), I would wear a Liberace-style sequined suit with Fourth of July fireworks blasting from it if it would help these people see me and prevent them from running me over.

But no logos.

Having made this painful decision to wear a cyclist’s kit of spandex and bright colors today, I bravely went online and ordered my first ever spandex shorts.  Largely due to financial restraints, yet still desiring the best quality bang for the buck, I decided to order a pair of Pearl Izumi Quest shorts.  I also ordered a Novara Draft bike jersey and Pearl Izumi Quest short-sleeved jersey.  Because I believe it is only prudent to protect my hands, I also ordered Giro Bravo half-fingered bike gloves.

Safety, comfort, and maintenance were the theme of today, so I also bought a bike peddler rear view mirror that attaches to my helmet, a Topeak Mini 9 multi-tool for the beginning of my tool kit, and Finish Line wet lubricant- a Topeak Peakini 2 Master Blaster pump.  Topping off my purchases is Bodyglide Chamois Glide so that I can “lube up” and hopefully not get a raw crotch.

Secretly I am hoping the Chamois Glide will also help me slide into the spandex a little easier.

I thought about getting Chamois Butt’r and probably will try some soon, but somehow the thought of putting “Butt’r” on my butt was a little unsettling.

These purchases are all the beginning and are somewhat experimental for me.  Sure… I can read the sales pitch and the reviews, which I did do, but it still comes down to budget and what works for me.  Now, when all these things arrive, I still have to work up the courage to wear them; but what the hey– I am an adventurer, an adrenalin junkie, and I will rise to the occasion.

What scares me is that I also have an addictive personality and maybe I will like it.

I can see myself now getting rid of all my other clothes so I can wear spandex and bright colored jerseys… for shopping… or visiting a museum… or even going to a movie theater so I can show off my  “KIT.”

Or… maybe I should just stick to my current wardrobe and simply cover it with reflective tape and get some “Anti Monkey Butt Powder” to protect me from “cellulite rubbing on cellulite wounds.”

No.   I will face my fears on this; I will ride with my head held high as I blind passing motorists with my ridiculously bright jersey.


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