Posted by: twistsoffeet | May 30, 2010

Note To Self: Don’t Moon The…


For some reason, when a person lives in a tropical island “Paradise” for a while, you just become very comfortable with wearing little to no clothing.  Case in point: me.

I became very comfortable with walking to the nearest beach and stripping down to nothing and just jumping in.  No, I am not an exhibitionist and as stated before, I am actually quite self-conscious.   So, it became a game of how to go au natural without anybody else noticing.  Of course, my friends always knew, but heck they were doing it also.

I had been accepted by popular vote of the local lesbian community to be an honorary lesbian.  What the hey, I like women, so it was an natural fit.  Actually it was because a number of my closest friends were lesbians and also because I totally non-judgmental.

One day, while we were at a fairly secluded beach with a couple of these friends, sun bathing and skinny dipping and having a few beers, when suddenly two small planes came flying in, butt cheek to nose, barely above the surface of the water.  I not thinking… just figured they were just some voyeurs so I promptly mooned them.

Probably not a good idea.

Just about the time they were being blinded by the reflection of the sun off of my lily white bum, a door flew open on the first plane and out came a bale (probably pedico, otherwise known as cocain).  That plane promptly broke off and the first plane continued another half mile before opening it’s doors and dropping a dozen bales.

One thing you should know if you travel in the Caribbean, is that if you win the lottery (ie. if someone drops a bale in your lap),  figure that it is radioactive, and run as fast as possible.   Don’t stop, don’t pass go, don’t look at anyone you see.  The reason is that you are definitely being watched.   Now… you say, “but think how much 50 kilos of pedico is worth….”  and I say, is it worth your life?  Because if you touch it they will kill you.

I never would have mooned them if I had been thinking, but what can I say… a couple of beers and a warm Caribbean sun just affected my thought process.  Also in my defense, I started my vulgar act before they opened their door.

Anyway, we packed up immediately and made post haste our escape.  We made our way past the road block of gentlemen on horses and no uniforms with no interference.  We were lucky.  This the day my “friends” gave me the nickname of the barracuda, and I won’t say why.

We had made our escape without any problems, but maybe it was our karma. I say this because when we looked up onto the mountain, in the vicinity of my associate’s home, the landscape was obscured by smoke and flame, moving rapidly towards their home that was currently housing three dogs and a dozen or so cats.  We had to rescue the animals if possible, so off we went driving recklessly up the mountainside on narrow roads with the occasional resident fleeing down the mountain to escape the flames.

We were lucky.  We reached my friend’s home before the flames and were able to round up all three dogs and several cats before the fire department forced us to leave.  We drove across the mountain to a vantage point that allowed us a full view of all the action. This fire probably burned one hundred fifty acres, and at times, the flames were sixty to seventy feet high.  Fortunately, no structures or lives were lost.

I learned that wild fires are extremely common in the Caribbean, but fortunately, the fire departments are very knowledgeable about how these fires move and are able to effectively control them.  Some of these fires are started by people that own horses and need grazing land, so they burn the forest to produce pasture.  Some are started by the sun shining through broken glass, heating up as if it was a magnifying glass.

I also learned to not moon the low-flying planes, because they may be drug smugglers, and the next time I may not be so lucky.

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